


Finding Your Way Back Home

by Sashataakheru



Series: Strange Magic [8]
Category: The Move RPS
Genre: Addiction, Delusions, Drug Use, Hallucinations, Homelessness, M/M, Mental Illness, Paranoia, Recovery, mental trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-29
Updated: 2012-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-30 06:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/328935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trevor finds Ace sleeping rough one morning and refuses to let him sleep out there any longer. Surprised to find an old friend returning to him, Ace believes this is the only chance he'll ever get to get better and goes with him to find Carl. He prays it'll stop all the madness in his head, if only he can trust Carl enough to save him and not let the voices in his head sabotage his life again. Set 1976.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Your Way Back Home

**Author's Note:**

> Because this needed to be written. There may be a couple more chapters of this particular narrative arc, but this is it for the moment.

Ace had long forgotten how long he'd been homeless. Wandering the streets alone seemed to be the only peace he could find, in spite of the madness going on in his head. Sometimes, he knew he was actually crazy, and longed for someone to come and make him better. Other times, his paranoia took over and he was sure anyone trying to help him would only hurt him instead. He had grown so used to this he had no recollection of being any other way. His life had become a stumbling mess as he wandered from place to place, trying his best to survive if the voices would let him.

It was early morning in late September. Ace could feel the growing chill in the air. Soon it would be winter. He shivered at the thought. He hated winter. As he stopped beside an alleyway, he wondered where he would stay this year. He'd done hostels and abandoned houses, taken any bed that was on offer, in a bid to escape from the biting chill and the snow. It would be cold, no matter where he went, but he was used to this. He was always cold. Always hungry. Sometimes he wondered why he was still alive. Surely he'd have disintegrated and died by now.

Everyone had abandoned him when he'd gone mad. All his friends had let him go, and his family didn't want to see him. He mourned for them often, wishing they would come back to him, and then he blamed them for betraying him when he needed them the most. He had no one left. He hadn't even made any friends out on the streets. He couldn't bring himself to trust total strangers. They might just hurt him. He was terrified of being hurt.

He walked on, hoping to find a good spot to sleep. It had been a long, cold night, and he'd spent far too long running away and hiding from cops. He was tired, he could feel it in his whole body, but he couldn't rest, not now. He wasn't safe yet. He forced himself to keep walking in spite of his aching joints. He passed people in the street, but they didn't look at him. They were afraid of him, even though he'd never hurt anyone. He shrunk back from them anyway, knowing they didn't care. Was he high again? He couldn't remember. He had forgotten what being stoned felt like as opposed to being mad. Maybe they were the same thing.

He could see demons everywhere, hiding behind cars and sneaking out of the shadows. He avoided certain stretches of footpath as they were mostly likely to result in him being damned to hell for daring to walk them. He found his way to the only safe place he knew he could get good food and ate a little. It wasn't much more than a sympathetic off-licence, but Jimmy, the man who owned it, looked after him. He made sure he looked after himself as best he could when no one else paid him any attention. Ace appreciated that.

He was offered a bottle of gin. He wasn't sure if he'd actually drunk it or not. Was it even gin? He had lost the ability to tell anymore. Maybe it was liquid acid. Maybe it was both. Neither produced a discernibly different effect, bar an increase in the noise in his head. Maybe he was in a perpetual state of inebriation instead, so drunk had no meaning anymore. He had no idea.

Eventually, he found a small nook underneath the Town Hall. He had discovered that as long as he was out of sight and he wasn't bothering anyone, he wasn't moved on by the cops. Ace felt this was a reasonable compromise, given what little power he had. As long as he was left alone, he was willing to agree. His spot was out of the cold, and out of sight, so no one usually knew he was there. He had grown tired of sleeping in doorways. They were too cold and exposed and he was always afraid he would be beaten if he stayed there too long.

Usually, no one else was around, and he could slip into his spot and sleep all day with no bother. This time appeared to be different. Just as he was settling down, someone rested a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently. Afraid he was about to be arrested, he curled up in fear, pulling his coat over his head. He hoped it wasn't the cops. Cops were never nice to him. They never tried to help him. They just arrested him if they thought he was being a nuisance.

He'd been arrested before, and it had left him traumatised. He'd been charged with something, he had forgotten what, but instead of prison, he'd been institutionalised instead. It had not been good for him, and he left as soon as he could, unwilling to stay in such a frightening place. It had happened a few times now, and his experiences so far had left him very afraid of anyone who was claiming to help him.

"No, please, I weren't bothering no one, I just wanted a kip for a few hours, that's all. Don't arrest me, please. Don't send me back there again. I won't go. I won't. You can't make me go back there," Ace begged.

"Hey, don't panic, I ain't the police. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm a friend. I'm here to help," a voice said.

Ace peered out a little from under his coat. He saw a man kneeling in front of him, though in the shadows, he didn't recognise him. "Alright, who're you then?"

"Ace, it's Trevor. Remember me? We used to be in a band together. Only I saw you out there before. I can't let you stay out here, man. It's too dangerous," Trevor said.

Ace emerged, just a little, wondering if it really was him. He did remember Trevor, but it had been so long since they'd last met, that maybe he didn't- He chanced it, just in case it really was him. A friend had returned to him. Maybe they hadn't all abandoned him, after all.

"Trev, is it really you? Why the hell are you here? Why would you want to help me anyway? No one wants to help me. You all left me," Ace said.

"We didn't leave you, we just couldn't find you. You'd disappeared, and you didn't try to contact us. How were we supposed to help you if we couldn't find you? Besides, it's going to rain heavily tonight. You think I'm going to let you sleep out here in this weather? Come on, come back to mine. You can stay with us for a while. I won't take no for an answer," Trevor said.

Ace almost agreed right then, he would appreciate being inside in the warmth for once, but he hesitated. He remembered what he'd been looking for that morning. There was a sudden driving need to find someone, an old friend. Much as he appreciated Trevor's offer, he knew Trevor wasn't the one he was looking for. He needed someone else, he had remembered that at last, and he hoped Trevor would be able to help him. Someone they'd both once known. He had been given dreams by the Angels that urged him to find him, to find the one who'd help him. It had been a moment where he realised he needed to stop living like a tramp and find help, even though the prospect terrified him. But if the Angels said it was what he needed, then he'd do it, even if it frightened him.

Urgently, he grasped Trevor's shirt and pulled him close. "Hey, Trev, you seen Charlie? I need Charlie, Trev. Where is he? I ain't going nowhere unless it's to find Charlie."

"Well, Ace, you're in luck. He's back at our place. It's not far from here. We're living together now, see? With Roy, too. You remember Roy, don't you? We'll take care of you, alright? You gonna come now?" Trevor said.

Ace nodded. "Roy's the fairy with all the hair, yeah? I remember him. Take me to Charlie, Trev. I need him. I only trust him. Please, Trev. Save me."

Trevor helped him to his feet and they set off home. While it wasn't a long walk, Ace found himself leaning heavily against Trevor as they walked. He had no idea where they were going and he needed Trevor to guide him. A street away, Ace just couldn't walk anymore and his knees collapsed under him. Trev just managed to catch him before he fell down. Picking him up in his arms, Trevor carried him the rest of the way home.

* * *

Ace found himself carried inside a small terrace house on a pretty street. It was all he had time to take in before he was laid down on the sofa in the front room. Then all he could see was the ceiling.

"Just wait here, I'll get Charlie," Trevor said.

Ace didn't reply. He lay there, watching the swirling clouds move across the ceiling. They darkened and some turned bright red. As they began to drip warm blood onto him, he felt a hand rest on his shoulder.

"Ace? It's me, Charlie. You wanted to see me?" Carl said softly.

Ace turned to look at him. He reached for his face. It was blurry, and he couldn't make out any details. He pulled him close. "Is it really you? I can't tell. I need you, Charlie. I need to get better, I know I do. I've lived with this madness long enough. Only you can get rid of the demons, Charlie. I'll only obey you."

"It's me, Ace. I promise. We'll put you to bed, and let you come down off whatever it is you've taken, alright? We'll talk when you're feeling better," Carl said.

"N-no, the bottle was clear, the gin made me 'ead hurt, there were colours swirling in it, rainbows all of them..." Ace murmured as he was picked up again and taken into a dark room.

* * *

He was sat down on a bed as Carl undressed him. He wouldn't let him sleep in his filthy clothes and took him into the bathroom to wash him gently. Ace wasn't up to washing himself, but he let Carl clean him as he sat on a stool in the shower. Carl was so gentle and caring. Carl had stripped off as well, so his clothes didn't get wet. Carl didn't seem to care that they were both naked, which reassured him somewhat.

Ace had never had anyone take such gentle care of him before. He sat there, watching how Carl washed him, gently washing all the dirt away. He felt a bit helpless, like he couldn't even wash himself anymore, but it occurred to him that was because he'd forgotten how. He'd stopped caring. He was sleeping rough. What did it matter? Society had rejected him. He was going to reject it right back.

There was a moment where Carl brushed the water from his eyes and caught him in a soft kiss. Ace was shocked. He hadn't expected that. It had been so long since he'd been kissed. Since he'd felt like someone loved him. He went to reply, but Carl just smiled and Ace lost his voice.

"It'll be alright, Ace. You're with friends now. We'll take care of you like we should've done before. I'm so sorry we let you go for so long. I'm so sorry. Can you forgive us?" Carl murmured.

Ace reached over and touched his cheek, searching his eyes. He could see his face clearly at last, and the sight of his old friend was overwhelming. He'd found the right man. He was with Charlie now, and Charlie would make everything better. He had to. He was the one hope he had left.

"Yeah. Yeah, I can. You'll make me better, won't you, Charlie? The Angels said you'd save me," Ace murmured.

Carl made him stand, and he held him tightly as the hot water crashed over them. Ace clutched onto him, leaning his head against his shoulder. He was right where he wanted to be. He just hoped it would last.

"I'll save you, Ace. I promise. I won't let you go this time."

"Please, Charlie. The Angels said you'd help me. They said you'd save me. Can you save me, Charlie? I can't stand this madness anymore, but I'm so afraid, Charlie. Been hurt before. Been too scared to get help. They made me go to a madhouse and wouldn't let me out. They carried me away, Charlie. Locked me in and threw the key away. You can't even understand how afraid I was in there. It's terrifying, Charlie. I'm so frightened of everything."

Carl could feel his body trembling and he held him close, pressing a soft kiss to his head. "It'll be alright, Ace. You're safe now, I promise. No one will hurt you now."

* * *

They remained under the water for a while longer before Carl got him out and dried him off. Carl helped him back to the spare room where Trevor was waiting for them and put him in something clean. It was an odd feeling to be wearing something else. Something clean and not coated in dirt and grime.

"You should sleep now, Ace. Just rest. We'll talk when you wake, alright?" Carl said.

Ace nodded. If Carl wanted him to rest, he'd rest. He was willing to obey him now, but he wasn't sure how long that would last. The voices could be quite stubborn when they wanted to sabotage his life. They usually did so when things were good, when he had something to lose. He hoped they would leave him alone this time.

Trevor took his hand. "Don't worry, I'll stay here the whole day. I won't leave you alone, Ace. I'll make sure you're alright. It's going to be alright. You're with friends now."

Ace slowly turned to look at him. Trevor brought him into a soft hug, warm and full of concern and affection. That felt strange. No one had hugged him like that for years. "Don't leave me, Trev. Too many demons in the walls."

"I'll fight them all away for you, I promise," Trevor said.

Ace believed him. Lying down, he felt Trevor move beside him and hold him close. Ace was sure he heard the voice of an angel. Bright white light flooded the room, and a whole choir of angels began singing. The shadows were chased away. Ace began to cry.

"I'm safe. I'm safe. They won't get me now," Ace murmured.

* * *

Ace drifted in and out of dreamless sleep. He had no idea how long it had been since he'd arrived at Carl's house. His sense of time was completely out of synch with reality. But as he lay there in the growing darkness, Trevor's arms still around him, he could feel the madness in his head slowly dissipate. It didn't go away completely, but he could think clearly for the first time in a long time.

He also felt like he had a hangover, a very bad hangover, and by then, he felt like he was as close to sober as he was going to get. He was so hungry his stomach was growling with pain. He hadn't felt hunger pangs like that for months. He curled up in pain, clutching onto Trevor. It woke him, and Trevor gazed over at him sleepily.

"You alright? What's wrong?" Trevor asked.

"So hungry, Trev. Starving. Gonna die, I can just feel it. Stomach's eating itself to pieces," Ace whispered, voice full of fear.

Trevor sat up a little. "I'm not sure you should eat too much right now. Think I heard that somewhere once. But I think there's still some leftover soup in the fridge." He yawned. "I'll go get you a little. You stay here. Save your energy."

Ace stayed where he was and tried his best to sit up. It didn't help the pain, but he wasn't sure he cared. Trevor was probably right. He probably shouldn't eat too much right now, but he was so hungry, he felt he could eat a whole turkey all to himself and still have room for supper.

Trevor returned with a small bowl of warm soup. It didn't look particularly appetising, and there wasn't much of it, but Ace was grateful for anything he was willing to offer. Ignoring the spoon he was offered, he drank straight from the bowl, He had intended to go slowly, but the smell of the soup was too good to ignore and he drank it all in one go. He immediately regretted it. He'd eaten too fast, and now his throat burned and his stomach felt horrid. He felt he might be sick if he wasn't careful.

"Oh, god. That wasn't good. Water- Trev, I need water. Gonna be sick," Ace said.

Trevor didn't waste any time in getting him some water and a bucket in case he was about to be sick. He returned in time for Ace to grab the bucket as he threw up in it, his stomach heaving at the sudden intrusion of food. Tears caught in the corners of his eyes as he wondered when he would get better. How could he get better when he couldn't eat?

"Try to sip it this time, yeah? Don't rush it," Trevor advised as he handed him the glass. He set the bucket aside for the moment, hoping it wouldn't be needed again.

Ace took the tiniest of sips, hoping it would settle him. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down, a hand resting on his belly, such as it was. His hand shook as he took another sip, and Trevor took the glass from him in case he spilled it everywhere. He felt so disappointed with himself. He hadn't wanted Trevor to see him like that, to see him at his very worst.

Ace shot him an accusatory glance. "You tried to poison me just then, didn't you? That was poisoned soup. That's why I feel so sick."

Trevor didn't start a fight with him; he didn't think that would help. "No, Ace, it really isn't. Just take it easy, alright? You probably feel like shit because of whatever it was you've been doing to yourself out there. You still doing acid? I kept telling you not to take it anymore, didn't I? It just made you worse. I wish I'd tried harder. Maybe you wouldn't be like this now."

Ace covered his ears and tried to block out the poisonous voices. "It's how I cope. I can't cope without it. Trev, please, have you got any more? I can't stand being like this. I need some more, Trev. Please. Help me out here."

"Would Charlie approve of you taking more acid?" Trevor said.

Ace hung his head. "No, he probably wouldn't. He'd tell me to stop, wouldn't he?"

"Yeah, he would. If he can't get you clean, no one can. I haven't used for years, Ace, not since you went mad. It scared me. Here was someone I really fucking cared about, and he's being destroyed before my eyes. I was scared it would happen to me. But you didn't want my help back then, so I stayed away. I backed off. Do you want my help now or not?" Trevor said.

Ace cried again and curled up tight. "No. No, Trev. It's just so fucking hard. I can't stop. I don't know how to stop. How do I stop? I can't cope without it. The voices just drown me, Trev. They drown me in sorrow."

Trevor gently brought him into a hug. "It'll be alright, Ace. Charlie'll help, I promise. He'll get you clean. You just gotta trust him. Can you do that, Ace? Can you trust him again?"

It was the hardest question Ace had been asked. He had no idea how to answer him. He had grown so used to not trusting anyone. But the Angels had told him Charlie would help. He did trust the Angels, didn't he? A voice gently sung to him, gently reassuring him he could trust them to keep him safe. Ace wanted to cry. The Angels had always been good to him, he couldn't deny that. Maybe they were right about Charlie. Maybe this was his only chance to get better and escape from all the madness.

"Yeah, I trust him. I have to. I don't trust myself anymore."


End file.
